breakfast at tiffany´s

melting

i rarely drink enough water

but i try really hard to

filling glasses with ice cubes

letting the water

fill in the cracks

the ice cubes eventually melt

and all i'm left with

are half empty glasses of water

all over the house

lola stars and stripes

that time of the year

reassessing.

weird fishes

thursday

with disappointment and forgiveness

in my heart

i do not have an answer

for you

for myself

so i will take my time

to figure out my feelings

******

we become a cliche

self-help books

inexplicable fears, anxieties

we keep in our coat pockets

hashing them out in front of a stranger

during once a week therapy sessions

at least i don't have to take care of a litter box

or have a book club

i'm close though

grocery store

little grasshopper

a night with my little sister

*****

we made tuna casserole and ran errands

the popcorn is in the oven

drying sweet and salty caramel

sticking to each popped kernel, each pecan

we're making christmas presents too

watching beautiful girls

catching up over burnt shortbread cookies

sandwiched with raspberry jam

i missed this

i've been focusing too much

on what i don't have

first world problems

every time i have a low point

i will remember that

every minute, every day

is an opportunity

to make a change

and appreciate what i have

flightless bird, american mouth

snow and honey

walking home from the car

the trees bare

like all snowy winter nights

in my quaint little neighborhood

frightening, silent, beautiful

the streets are covered

white

*****

my tonsils are inflamed

its hard to swallow

the hot chamomile tea touches my lips

the honey coats my mouth

extinguishing the fire in my throat

perspective

basically, i wish for lots of things:

balance

a sense of self and calm

a connection beyond reason

never ending hope

and every day i am grateful for:

a loving family

loyal friends

a healthy heart and body

and my courage

lua

winters love

flip the script

i'm no longer amused

baseball gets boring when there are no outs

and you're not even swinging

don't be so dramatic

it is sitting in the garbage

shattered

along with the

aluminum foil wrapped turkey

the cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes

and your toothbrush

the writing on the wall is gone too

the sheets are in the dryer

and they don't smell like you anymore

they all smell like dr. bronners

but the lavender kind

not the peppermint kind

that one smells like you

and i would breathe it in deep

so deep

when you would hug me at night

before bed

no evidence is left

except a couple of coconut bars

and the memory of what wasn't

so nice. so smart.

choosing

oh yes

it's better than perfect

the chance, the possibility of something different

to make something of yourself

or

to do what you've always done

to crawl into a safe place

staring into the face of someone

you'll never see again

because you honestly do not care to do so

so

go on and talk of a future you'll never have because

you've never have the courage to try

continue working on the puzzle

with the missing pieces

the pieces you've hidden

hold your breath and continue

to sink

continue

drowning in bath water

making something out of nothing

nestled in fleece and cat hair

blurred images flickering

as the room goes from light to dark

and back again

i rub my eyes

the same long conversations in the car

double-parked and flashing lights

drinking coffee to ease the frustration

tears and hugs, kisses and promises

exposing fears and pains

and the sharing of dreams

dreams we both saw

but were too afraid to pursue

living in the same house

the intimate, delicate dance of daily routines

being each other's number one fan

hugging in the kitchen

spooning on the couch

making love on the kitchen table

and of course

the children

laughing in the backseat

with curly hair and full lips

the children we will never meet

it was all too beautiful to touch

and so we never did because

mutual adoration will only take you so far

when only one of you is brave

when only one of you has the heart to try

none of that, please

you like things to be just so

patient and stable

so you can buy yourself time

and excuses

to move at your own pace

untrusting and vulnerable

in your soft-spoken way

a kate nash kind of morning

polka dot moon

spoonfuls of violet flower gelato

minimized expectations

a delicate level of intimacy

stealing kisses in the dark

sharing slices of pumpkin loaf

crawling into bed

to spoon and fall asleep

birthday cake

when all the cake has been eaten and everyone has gone home

i will walk through my apartment shoeless

in my dress and tights

clutch that pillow on the couch and fall asleep

***

a bouquet of white lilies

in aluminum foil wrapping

a couple of pork belly tacos and cans of tecate

topped off with a walk through wicker park

arm in arm

to avoid any kind of falling

physical

emotional

my feet are firmly planted

and i refuse to let them go

rage

morning you

on this journey

i do not have the luxury of slowing down

ravenous with curiosity

every day provides opportunity

take my hand or not

i'll only extend it for so long

mad decent

things are going super-well

i'm motivated and can't stop saying super

because i am just that happy

working and baking, biking and swooning

over me

that's right, over myself

i'm off to get a soy latte

and to brighten someone's day with a hug

and a loaf of freshly baked bread

now go smile at at stranger

it'll make you feel amazing!

(please note the "zing!" in amazing!)

an adult relationship

october

this is the the time of year when i am the happiest

maybe it's my upcoming birthday,

the weather change, the layered fashion, the soy hot chocolates

nothing can get me down when the days are like today

i rode my bike as fast as i could

i've never really ridden late at night in the fall

was nice, kind of lonely, but peaceful

my body was warm, my muscles achy, my hands numb

all i could feel was the biting air hitting my face

and it felt good

bulletproof

floral print

every day is a commitment

to hold on to my intention

to prioritize my own well-being

in order to control my own destiny

shopgirl

heavy

do you have the courage to feel the weight of emotion on your shoulders, around your waist,

when i rest my fingers across the back of your neck, when i lean my body against yours and you walk backwards

dragging my feet against shiny wooden floors

********

my fingers are still sticky and smelling of ruby raspberry jam

the windows are open

and my apartment smells like dead leaves and autumn

this is a time of transition

just like the weather in chicago

i can't seem to make up my mind

i'm hoping it all works out

i need an outline

a new perspective

a plan of action

i need direction and support is all around me

i need a hug and a warm blanket tonight

the wind outside is changing direction

and all i can feel is the cool breeze deep in my bones

i got lost

honeybunch

i was so delighted to have you back. i missed seeing your face and hearing your voice so much, that i forgot to keep my needs and emotions at the forefront. i was too caught up in the sleepovers and the morning muffins.

my biggest flaw in relationships is my genuine concern for the well-being of others. i always end up forgetting about myself. i end up building resentments and feeling like an afterthought.

you'd like to keep going, but would like to slow down the process. after much rumination, i think i may agree, and only because i need to focus on other aspects of my life, other than you. i need to remember the other half of this equation - me.

pijamas

rice crispies

turn off the television and take off your shoes

bring me a mug of hot chocolate and crawl into bed

i'm waiting to listen

shaded underneath the blankets

covered in cotton and flannel

look at my face and

tell me what you're afraid of

i'm interested in building a connection

based on emotional intimacy

rather than physical attraction

please try to take down the walls

i promise that i will be

careful with your emotions

constant in my strength and understanding

i promise that i will be honest with myself

about how i feel about you

please try

to take advantage of this opportunity

please

do not give up

please

let me in or let me go

give me sympathy

fortune cookie

not writing as much this month

i've been in my head quite a bit

trying to ignore the festering thoughts and insecurities

tomorrow

i will force myself to work things out

on paper or screen

but for now

i'm content

just eating fortune cookies in my pajamas

goodnight

maybe tonight

emotional unit

i tend to lean towards the dramatic

when left to my own devices

in reality

my reactions are not really based in truth

just an inclination to not communicate

i am guarded though certain in my convictions

apprehensive to express them

so emotions flash across my face

and you have to ask and wait for me to deny

any inkling of truth

and what i want is so simple

to ride bikes in the country

chase each other around the house

eventually surrendering to desire

never quite making it into bed

waking up to soy milk lattes and morning muffins

long walks to the neighborhood grocery store

cozying up on the couch with

peach cobbler and laughter

every journey is different

this one is slow and subtle

the change is constant

a fledgling commitment to be more receptive

to possibility

beautiful girls

waking up

we see what we want to see

hope

and feel what we want to feel

truth

skimming the froth of adoration

through fragility and patience

we find what we seek

underneath the covers

relishing in chemistry

maple leaves

i'm so happy, my smile may just pop off my face and do cartwheels all the way down the block.

in the sun

hipster heaven

the elusive one

last night the boys and i were at the bar.

drinking pitchers of beer and playing pool.

we took photos of each other with our camera phones

chatted up the bartender and doorman,

caught up with old friends we ran into.

as the night wore on, we got began to get closer,

laugh about the state of our lives,

talk about the friends that have moved away.

we all hugged a lot in our t-shirts and jeans.

i'm the only girl, the oldest,

so the boys wanna marry me off soon.

they declare their love for me -- platonic love, of course.

we all hug, but seriously...

they say i should marry one of them or have their babies.

they always say i'm marriage material.

one said boys generally like me because i'm stable,

i take care of everyone, that, and i'm easy on the eyes.

this summer, three boys or men, not these boys or men,

have declared

some sort of level of fondness and devotion towards me.

i once thought that

if someone told me that they wanted to love me,

i would at least give them a shot.

it doesn't work that way though,

you can't help the way you feel,

minimally, you need the initial spark,

that feeling that makes you want to try.

of these declarations, i declined all, but one.

we're taking it slow.

watching tv, dinners, cuddle sessions,

emails that end in "xoxo",

nights that end with a peck on the lips,

we're even dabbling in public displays of affection.

spending time with him motivates me to try harder.

i want to keep trying and hope he does too.

your arms around me

series

today

i spent the day with my mother

brunch and some shopping, a movie and some coffee

she bought me colorful ceramic mugs and hugged me

she listed to me and made me feel loved

i really needed that

little one

i miss my sister and her wit

the way we used to watch 80's movies

and eat pound cake and strawberries

cheese and crackers

we're not talking

we've been growing apart for some time

ever since we both moved away

into the city

to our separate little apartments

we are two boats

slowly floating away from one another

in the middle of a vast ocean

i hope we find our way back to each other

through the waves and the wind

the differences and the pride

i want to get close again and feel like family

alone

crying in bed and curled up

against the wet pillowcase

hot burning cheeks and sore eyelids

my bed is empty and cold

the sounds of a cool breeze rustling through leaves

reminds me that times are changing

and i know that in time

i will catch my breath, fall asleep, and feel better

list

today:

overworked.

understimulated.

(is that a word? it is now.)

distressed.

tired.

annoyed.

tomorrow:

optimistic.

positive.

driven.

passionate.

calm.

alive.

this is my current mental/physical state.

these are my goals.

i will achieve them.