thinking ahead

i always dress quite conservatively on dates, just in case i misbehave, my dates will look back on me and think, "she was quite a lovely girl." 

the fall

i threw myself down the stairs, hoping the fall would transform this reality into a distant dream. 

it wasn't a dream. it was real. it was over. 

i left with my gifts and a broken heart and drove home in the rain. 

challenge me.

challenge is a good thing. i keep challenging myself in different ways. 

on a bicycle. 

socially. 

mentally. 

in relationships. 

on the track. 

i see challenge on the horizon. every challenge brings me closer to a more complete me. 

bring it on. 

keeping the memory alive

after everything that's happened, i still feel you on my skin.

after our relationship died, the first kiss i experienced from another's lips that autumn, brought me to tears. i held myself and cried, and waited for you to return, while you swept our memories under the rug.

for years i have struggled to keep your memory alive. when will i meet someone to challenge me, to fill your shoes? who will fill the void you left?

the name above the bed

how could you go from laying in bed with someone

falling asleep next to one another

mouth to mouth

breathing in each others warm exhales 

to

walking down the street,

holding your breath 

as you look 

through the face of your past lover 

until their silhouette has 

faded 

into 

the 

crowd 

and the shadows of the leaves

caring is creepy

still gives me goosebumps. 

even though i listen to all of the same songs, i only have the memory of how i used to feel when i listened to them with you, riding in the car, windows down, our smiles shining in the sunlight. 

mistakes i've made, lips i've kissed, lost connections

my first language is one i barely use. i think i've evicted spanish from my memory. every time i begin to speak, i get so nervous that i forget what i am trying to say, (unless i'm drunk) and in a panic, i begin to think in english and say the most ridiculous things, words that mean almost what i want them to mean, but not really. the sentences are choppy, disjointed, my personality and passion barely glimmering.

i wish i could rely on this excuse when speaking english, the language that also keeps my foot permanently in my mouth. i could say that i just forgot it all and that i cannot communicate, that would solve things.

you didn't call me, like you have other things to do. why don't we hang out any more, aren't i a priority?just be honest, as if it's so easy. these are things that we say to people we care about. i say them all the time, asking more from the people around me, friends and family alike. why are my expectations so high? would i be able to attain them if someone set them for me? i'm not sure. i think it's time to take a step back (not off the deep end) and revise this possible character flaw. maybe i lack the patience to sit back and observe the evolution of the people around me as they struggle as i do to keep it together. could i be this patient with myself as i try to become a better version of who i am?  i guess, we'll just have to see.

but i missed holding hands.

we walked and talked about everything. exchanging stories and laughing about childhood experiences and everything in between -likes and dislikes, families and friends, and the relationships of our past. how we gave our all, how they didn't work out.

we knew that something wasn't right, but opposites attract, right? 

so moving forward. we continued walking and discovering. at times, it was more than we were ready for, with trembling fingers, floating butterflies, and awkward kisses. we danced and drove in circles. 

and we talked. talked. and talked some more. 

about music, coffee, museums, ambitions, and language barriers. we drank good beer, coffee, and whatever else we could get our hands on. we drank each other, always wanting more than was appropriate. 

we continued until it blew up, in a million pieces, feelings, tears, and hugs falling all over the place, like dirty laundry. 

but we had great chemistry, he had a good heart, and i missed holding hands.