shopgirl

heavy

do you have the courage to feel the weight of emotion on your shoulders, around your waist,

when i rest my fingers across the back of your neck, when i lean my body against yours and you walk backwards

dragging my feet against shiny wooden floors

********

my fingers are still sticky and smelling of ruby raspberry jam

the windows are open

and my apartment smells like dead leaves and autumn

this is a time of transition

just like the weather in chicago

i can't seem to make up my mind

i'm hoping it all works out

i need an outline

a new perspective

a plan of action

i need direction and support is all around me

i need a hug and a warm blanket tonight

the wind outside is changing direction

and all i can feel is the cool breeze deep in my bones

i got lost

honeybunch

i was so delighted to have you back. i missed seeing your face and hearing your voice so much, that i forgot to keep my needs and emotions at the forefront. i was too caught up in the sleepovers and the morning muffins.

my biggest flaw in relationships is my genuine concern for the well-being of others. i always end up forgetting about myself. i end up building resentments and feeling like an afterthought.

you'd like to keep going, but would like to slow down the process. after much rumination, i think i may agree, and only because i need to focus on other aspects of my life, other than you. i need to remember the other half of this equation - me.

pijamas

rice crispies

turn off the television and take off your shoes

bring me a mug of hot chocolate and crawl into bed

i'm waiting to listen

shaded underneath the blankets

covered in cotton and flannel

look at my face and

tell me what you're afraid of

i'm interested in building a connection

based on emotional intimacy

rather than physical attraction

please try to take down the walls

i promise that i will be

careful with your emotions

constant in my strength and understanding

i promise that i will be honest with myself

about how i feel about you

please try

to take advantage of this opportunity

please

do not give up

please

let me in or let me go

give me sympathy

fortune cookie

not writing as much this month

i've been in my head quite a bit

trying to ignore the festering thoughts and insecurities

tomorrow

i will force myself to work things out

on paper or screen

but for now

i'm content

just eating fortune cookies in my pajamas

goodnight

maybe tonight

emotional unit

i tend to lean towards the dramatic

when left to my own devices

in reality

my reactions are not really based in truth

just an inclination to not communicate

i am guarded though certain in my convictions

apprehensive to express them

so emotions flash across my face

and you have to ask and wait for me to deny

any inkling of truth

and what i want is so simple

to ride bikes in the country

chase each other around the house

eventually surrendering to desire

never quite making it into bed

waking up to soy milk lattes and morning muffins

long walks to the neighborhood grocery store

cozying up on the couch with

peach cobbler and laughter

every journey is different

this one is slow and subtle

the change is constant

a fledgling commitment to be more receptive

to possibility

beautiful girls

waking up

we see what we want to see

hope

and feel what we want to feel

truth

skimming the froth of adoration

through fragility and patience

we find what we seek

underneath the covers

relishing in chemistry

maple leaves

i'm so happy, my smile may just pop off my face and do cartwheels all the way down the block.

in the sun

hipster heaven

the elusive one

last night the boys and i were at the bar.

drinking pitchers of beer and playing pool.

we took photos of each other with our camera phones

chatted up the bartender and doorman,

caught up with old friends we ran into.

as the night wore on, we got began to get closer,

laugh about the state of our lives,

talk about the friends that have moved away.

we all hugged a lot in our t-shirts and jeans.

i'm the only girl, the oldest,

so the boys wanna marry me off soon.

they declare their love for me -- platonic love, of course.

we all hug, but seriously...

they say i should marry one of them or have their babies.

they always say i'm marriage material.

one said boys generally like me because i'm stable,

i take care of everyone, that, and i'm easy on the eyes.

this summer, three boys or men, not these boys or men,

have declared

some sort of level of fondness and devotion towards me.

i once thought that

if someone told me that they wanted to love me,

i would at least give them a shot.

it doesn't work that way though,

you can't help the way you feel,

minimally, you need the initial spark,

that feeling that makes you want to try.

of these declarations, i declined all, but one.

we're taking it slow.

watching tv, dinners, cuddle sessions,

emails that end in "xoxo",

nights that end with a peck on the lips,

we're even dabbling in public displays of affection.

spending time with him motivates me to try harder.

i want to keep trying and hope he does too.

your arms around me

series

today

i spent the day with my mother

brunch and some shopping, a movie and some coffee

she bought me colorful ceramic mugs and hugged me

she listed to me and made me feel loved

i really needed that

little one

i miss my sister and her wit

the way we used to watch 80's movies

and eat pound cake and strawberries

cheese and crackers

we're not talking

we've been growing apart for some time

ever since we both moved away

into the city

to our separate little apartments

we are two boats

slowly floating away from one another

in the middle of a vast ocean

i hope we find our way back to each other

through the waves and the wind

the differences and the pride

i want to get close again and feel like family

alone

crying in bed and curled up

against the wet pillowcase

hot burning cheeks and sore eyelids

my bed is empty and cold

the sounds of a cool breeze rustling through leaves

reminds me that times are changing

and i know that in time

i will catch my breath, fall asleep, and feel better