you tell me

the overhead announcements

are blaring through the speakers

i sit in the train station

alone

waiting

the el map in my hand

a wrinkled mess

just like me

this should have been resolved yesterday

when you invited me to sit with you and talk

we did and it was refreshing

just to see your face

at first

i could not get my footing

but i climbed

over the walls i set up

joined you on the other side

immediately

a weight was lifted off my shoulders

we laid our cards out on the table

i was ready to make my move

you needed more time

fear and trepidation

littered across your face

patience

i gave you a day

...

you need one more

...

and another

...

patience

should i wait for the inevitable

that last minute phone call

before you ride away to the midwest

that

strained

voice

on the line

a couple of weeks ago and you're still missing...

for the first time since we started spending time together, i wanted to go home and didn't want to lay next to you.

i didn't want it to be about you. i wanted it to be about us.

i wanted to hug in the rain. i wanted to hold hands and kiss over cups of gelato. i wanted to fight over ghosty and fall asleep.

but tonight, i only saw glimpses of the you i like so much. tonight, for the first time, i began to wonder if i was the one you wanted to be spending your time with.

i pouted in the dark, watching shadows dance across the room, staring off into space.

you lay next to me, half asleep. all i could hear was the sound of cars speeding by on the wet asphalt and your deep breathing.

i lay there defeated, wanting me to be enough to make it okay, but i wasn't, so i got up.

you apologized and i attempted to hide my disappointment as i put on my cardigan and gently closed the door behind me.

all i wanted was to spoon with you, to feel your forearms against my body, and have you breathe into the back of my neck.

urban heart

it's a hot and sticky night. my neighbors are grilling burgers and drinking beer, the dogs in the alley are barking in the background, i can hear a train in the distance. this is summer in albany park. john and juan have decorated the porch, so that it glows. it's romantic and beautiful. i sit on this bench alone. i close my eyes and can feel the breeze as it rustles the leaves in the trees.

tonight, i miss you, our talks, your hands. i miss mornings - drinking coffee and hugging in the kitchen, afternoons driving in circles looking for parking and eating sweet and sour grapefruit, nights giving each other foot massages while watching foreign films. i even miss the sound of the busses outside your window in the middle of sleepless nights.

a while ago, something happened, i don't know what or where, but it was sudden and it all stopped. now, we're not honest anymore. walls have been put up and i can't look you in the eye. i can't be wistful.

i can only sit here, and i can feel this.

coming out

i'm tired of hiding the way i really feel because i'm too polite to make waves.

i need to be true to myself...starting now.

rainy night.

spring has been a time of change. chapters of my life ended, new ones have begun.

i know that over the next few months, these endings and beginnings will challenge me by propelling me into new experiences and opportunities. i'm processing it all through alone time, through books, baking, writing, ruminating.

this emergence of unfamiliar emotions and ideas continue to surprise me. at times i feel not quite like myself. i use sugar and flour to distract myself, combining ingredients in new ways, experimenting. tonight i cannot sleep and am trying to take it all in. trying to make sense of it all is no easy task as many of the emotions i have seem fleeting. i want something i can cling to in a positive way.